Week 16 Box Office Charts

1. Pog
2. The Dirty Dancing Dozen
3. On Goldeneye Pond
4. Han Shandy & The Robot Arse People
5. The Derek Guyler Story
6. Duck Of Shame
7. Electric Twatboy

The latest slew of movies has made its presence known in the multiplexes this month, with animated kiddieflick Pog breaking all records to erupt at the top spot – but not for the expected reasons.

At the film’s premiere, parents were aghast at the extraordinary amounts of violence and gore in what’s been touted a “film for all the family”. Audiences expecting a heartwarming tale of fluffy barnyard creatures singing songs have, instead, been treated to scenes of ninja decaptitation and gross-out bodyhorror.

One sequence, in which the titular porcine hero blinds the evil henchman with a toothpick, shoves him out of an airlock and laughs heartily whilst watching him burst in the vacuum of space, has attracted particular notoriety. At the screening the entire audience walked out, hoardes of screaming munchkins being dragged into the daylight by their horrified parents.

Predictably, the storm of outrage that subsequently swept through the tabloids has led to the movie receiving extra publicity, particularly amongst horror fans, who have flocked to see it in their droves and consequently sent the returns skyrocketting.

Here in the UK, the Board of Classification people have come in for a considerable amount of flak. Again. When asked why the film was passed with a U certificate (indicating it was suitable for all), head censorperson Fred Bastard made the following statement:

”The Board were satisfied that Pog adhered to all the stipulations ensuring its suitability for a general audience and did not break such stipulations.”

Those stipulations being?

”No headbutts, nunchukkas or full-frontal male nudity.”

But what about the brutal animal-on-animal violence and blood-drenched death scenes?

”That’s fine by us and totally acceptable for family viewing because children are unable to copy this kind of violence, since none of them live on the Moon and are thus unable to push their friends out of airlocks.”

So that makes sense then.

Week 13 Box Office Charts

1. On Goldeneye Pond ($4,687,500)
2. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($3,712,500)
3. Duck Of Shame ($1,500,000)

The new season of movies is nearly upon us, and moviemakers are falling over themselves to let us know about it.

Silver-Shitter have already spent in excess of $12 million to advertise The Derek Guyler Story, half of which is going on merchandising. “We’ve got Derek Guyler masks, fake moustaches, you name it,” exuded Silver-Shitter grand high moose Nicola Silverware at a press conference last Monday.

“There’s even a Game Of Guyler boardgame, where you have to climb the BBC sitcom ladder, rising to cult hero and eventual sanctification by the Vatican.

“Additionally, we’ve secured a huge, inflatable Derek Guyler to a flagpole in Hollywood Boulevard. It’s LA’s new temporary landmark. Now everybody will know who he is.”

Pecker Productions were also getting in on the promotional gig for their movie, Electric Twatboy. On Monday, producer Keith Chicken and various stars attended a publicity party at Hollywood’s premiere nightspot, The Big Swollen Head.

Partygoers were treated to a roller-disco display by a bunch of skinny people in Electric Twatboy costumes, complete with red spandex and black motorcycle helmets.

The display was marred by the fact that the helmets were totally covered in black paint, resulting in a complete lack of vision for the poor performers, all of whom zipped off in different directions as soon as the music began. Some of them trundled helplessly out of various doors and disappeared down Hollywood Boulevard.

More excitement over at the Hollywood Bowl, where newcomers Smug Films were hosting a lavish laser light show to promote the first movie in their Han Shandy franchise.

“We’re the new kids on the block, so everybody better watch out,” announced producer Peter Cuminmyear through a microphone shaped like Han Shandy’s rocketship. On cue, the auditorium was besieged by dozens of extras dressed as Robot Arse People, their bronze buttocks gleaming dazzlingly in the laser lights.

Unfortunately, so dazzling were the lights that one of the Robot Arse People was temporarily blinded, blundering into the foot of the gantry holding up a thirty-foot-diameter replica of the planet Arse, which came loose from its moorings and rolled out through the back door. Cops gave chase as it rumbled along Hollywood Boulevard.

Monday was also the day on which Trough Films were promoting their kiddieflick Pog. A press release stated, “As from today you’ll be able to see a giant inflatable pig, hovering over Hollywood Boulevard. It's LA's new temporary landmark.”

The day’s hijinks were brought to a surreal end when the four promotions collided. A runaway Electric Twatboy rollerskated into the flagpole holding the giant Derek Guyler, which came loose and bounced gently upwards to loom in the sky over Hollywood. At the other end of the Boulevard the escaped replica Planet Arse hit the moorings of the inflatable pig, also loosening it and causing it to drift upwards. The two inflatables drifted over to each other, and, due to freak air currents, starting bouncing against each other vigourously.

And so the residents of Beverly Hills were astounded when, late on Monday afternoon, they looked into the sky and witnessed a giant Derek Guyler apparently in flagrante delicto with a monstrous hovering pig.

The producers of the four movies are now out on bail, having been charged with Criminal Negligence Leading To A Display Of Gross Public Indecency. Trough Films have issued a press release saying, “Oh well – this all goes to show that there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

Week 11 Box Office Charts

1. On Goldeneye Pond ($4,650,000)
2. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($3,375,000)
3. Duck Of Shame ($2,025,000)

A sudden surge of cinema-going this week proved a welcome sigh of relief to movie producers everywhere, following last week’s depressing downturn in box office takings. Various reasons for that worrying blip have been cited amongst Hollywood industry pundits, ranging from the plausible (“everybody’s seen these movies at least once by now and won’t be going back again”) to the frankly ludicrous (“the cinema-going public are now so fat and bloated on foyer junk-food that they can’t get their swollen carcasses through the door to the auditorium”).

Producers Silver-Shitter’s much-criticised publicity stunt (offering families fully-paid private education for their children if the parents take them to see On Goldeneye Pond) seems to have done the trick. The kung fu espionage romcom has now leapfrogged its way to the top of the charts for the first time.

Silver-Shitter big knob Nicola Silverware says, “The Tickets-For-Brains campaign is a clear indicator of what cinema audiences want. We were so pleased by this surge of new interest that my partner and I have been swinging all weekend.”

The campaign has now ended, so could this mean a change in Silver-Shitter’s fortunes?

“Not at all. Don’t forget that in a couple of weeks our new film, The Derek Guyler Story, will be released. We have every faith in the audience’s enthusiasm for little-known BBC sitcom actors from the 1970s.”

The new glut of films arriving in July is certainly proving a source of expectant gabbling. As well as the Silver-Shitter offering, audiences will be treated to Pecker’s comic book adaptation Electric Twatboy, newcomers Smug Films with their franchise-hopeful Han Shandy & The Robot Arse People, and Trough’s kiddieflick Pog.

Trough are hoping that this week’s upturn in takings for Duck Of Shame signals the end of their rocky period and the start of better success. This week the waterfowl-based tale of morals vs greed has finally reached the golden seven-figure mark, due in part to the fact that the film has finally opened in all the serious countries in the world and not just the silly ones.

Trough have issued a press release stating, “We are delighted that Duck Of Shame is starting to get the recognition it truly deserves. To celebrate our new good fortune, the board has gone out and bought a big red Ferrari.”

When asked if this might be difficult to use considering there are 12 members on the board, Trough issued a second press release, replying, “We’ll get a trailer to put them in.”

Week Nine Box Office Charts

1. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($4,275,500)
2. On Goldeneye Pond ($2,625,000)
3. Duck Of Shame ($1,200,000)

The charts remain steady, with Pecker Pictures’ popular disco-dancing/Nazi-bashing The Dirty Dancing Dozen still reigning supreme at pole postion, closely followed by Silver-Shitter’s spy/romcom/kung fu/weepy On Goldeneye Pond, and Trough Productions’ amiable Duck Of Shame bringing up the rear once more.

The experimental (not to say controversial) fellatio-for-tickets technique introduced last week by Silver-Shitter has now been shelved.

“This is in no way due to the death-threats made against us by various right-wing religious fanatic moral guardian terrorist groups,” says Silver-Shitter grande fromage Nicola Silverware, flatly.

“The scheme was always intended to run for one week to gauge the public’s reaction. Obviously, the last thing we want to do is alienate our customers, and now we know that some people have an objection to seeing their fellow cinema-goers receiving oral relief in the cinema, we won’t be using that technique again.

“Instead, this week we will be implementing a new scheme whereby each family that books tickets to see our movie will be entered into a lottery. The lucky winners will receive fully-paid private education for all their children, up to the age of 22.

“We think this will increase the all-round entertainment experience for the whole family and encourage them to visit their local cinema more often, whilst simultaneously implementing constructive, long-term improvement to society as a whole.”

More gloom over at Trough Productions, where the official Royal Premiere of Duck Of Shame in London’s Leicester Square didn’t go exactly as planned.

The dubious gimmick of having several dozen extras turn up as ducks suffered a blow when top London costume-rental firm Quwawawar’s of Kensington discovered they’d run out of duck costumes because of the Queen’s Golden Jubilee. As a result the press and public were bemused to see a herd of pantomime horses gallop into the Square without reasonable explanation.

Things went from bad to worse when Trough’s PR company realised they’d forgotten to invite any of the Royal Family. Last-minute checks with Buckingham Palace revealed that they were all too busy watching The Osbournes on MTV (the Queen, in particular, is believed to be an enormous fan, having commented recently, “There’s something creepy yet compulsive about watching a disfunctional family hogging the media spotlight”).

Luckily, the showing went off without any further hitches, and several thousand pounds were raised in aid of children with tortoiseshell spectacles.

Trough have since issued a press release stating, “Nobody laugh. We’re warning you – just nobody laugh, pal.”

We’re not laughing, and sadly, neither are Trough.

Week Eight Box Office Charts

1. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($4,687,500)
2. On Goldeneye Pond ($2,850,000)
3. Duck Of Shame ($1,350,000)

No movements or surprises in this week’s chart, although whereas both The Dirty Dancing Dozen and On Goldeneye Pond have done less box office than during Week Seven, Duck Of Shame has brought home the same amount for the second week running. So, looking at this from a percentage-based viewpoint, Duck Of Shame comes out on top. Except that it doesn’t.

Despite an almost permanent stay at the bottom of the charts, Duck Of Shame has had a comparatively strong week, due in part to the fact that it has now opened at more than one cinema around the world: as well as the Isle Of Man, it’s now showing in Belgium, Luxembourg, Latvia and a swamp in the Louisiana Bayou, and has been the number one film in Finland for the last seven days. Despite this, Trough Productions felt obliged to issue a press release saying, “Will more people please go and see our f*cking film?”

On Goldeneye Pond is still going strong, despite universally appalling reviews (this week’s Brain Surgeon’s Weekly contains a particularly scathing review stating, “I will personally travel to Hollywood and lobotomise every person involved in the making of this film if someone will send me enough money.” A PO Box number follows).

Cynics have suggested that the film’s lasting appeal might have something to do with producer Silver-Shitter Films’ latest marketing strategy of offering free fellatio to any male that books a ticket in advance.

“That’s ridiculous,” scoffs Silver-Shitter’s Nicola Silverware in response. “We’re doing this for a trial period only, because we believe people in this day and age are more sophisticated, and will demand something a little more upmarket than your average popcorn and soda.

“To say that this is a cynical exercise to make people see our movie through the use of cheap sex is an insult to a piece of work that promotes honest American themes of family, love and kung fu fighting.”

But isn’t the sight of men receiving oral relief in the cinema going to clash with the family values being displayed onscreen?

“Of course not. The auditorium will be dark, so no-one’s going to see anything anyway. And besides, our research has shown that families are turning up again and again to watch. The movie, that is.”

Meanwhile, over at Pecker Pictures, the champagne’s been flowing once more.

“Six weeks at the number one spot!” grins producer Keith Chicken. “Let’s see that stupid duck film beat that!” He has good reason to celebrate. The flammable formula of Nazis and disco-dancing has broken all box office records, despite being lambasted by war veterans as “not entirely respectful of the truth.”

“I’ve never denied that this movie is anything more than a fantasy,” says Chicken. “I’m sorry if people are offended.

“But at the end of the day we’re trying to offer our awe and eternal thanks by way of an entertaining experience, which hopefully will promote respect and understanding to those that deserve it.”

Right or wrong, looks like cinema-goers couldn’t agree more.

Week Seven Box Office Charts

1. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($4,800,000)
2. On Goldeneye Pond ($4,350,000)
3. Duck Of Shame ($1,350,000)

Seven weeks into the new Season and there’s a clear chart leader already. Audiences have been flocking in droves to see The Dirty Dancing Dozen, attracted by its perfect date-movie mix of wartime action and kitsch dance numbers.

Keith Chicken (producer) has commented, “Obviously we’re delighted. I think this proves that a good story will always shine through, despite glaring historical inaccuracy. Although, having said that, there’s no actual proof that Adolf Hitler wasn’t a massive fan of disco.”

Elsewhere in the charts, Silver-Shitter’s On Goldeneye Pond has been a solid performer. Producer Nicola Silverware says, “It’s been a great success for Silver-Shitter Films. We were so excited by the opening night gross that when we got home my partner gave me a pearl necklace.”

When asked if she felt disappointed by the critical response (The Sun called it “deeply disappointing on almost every level and artistically flawed”, whilst The Times said it was “shit”), Silverware responded, “Frankly, I don’t give a toss.”

A rocky road so far for Trough Productions, whose Duck Of Shame suffered a poor start due to the fact that, although on general release, it wasn’t actually being shown anywhere. Trough were forced to issue a press release saying “Bugger.”

This depressing opening was soon forgotten in Week Five, when the movie finally opened at the UGC Isle Of Man and leapt to the top of the charts, where it stayed for a fortnight. Trough issued a press release saying, “Thank f*ck for that.”

Since then, however, the film’s takings have dropped off dramatically, presumably due in part to children staying home to play on the recently-released Nintendo Gamechicken. Trough had this to say in a hurriedly-prepared press release: “Arse! Arse! Arse!”

Better luck next week chaps!

Week Seven Box Office Charts

1. The Dirty Dancing Dozen ($4,800,000)
2. On Goldeneye Pond ($4,350,000)
3. posted by Ken at 1:42 PM